•INTRODUCTION
Thank you for working with the latest version of TWIRLY operating system. New information has been made available in the past few weeks as to how the TWIRLY actually operates. Please read on to gain a detailed insight into the
functions and features of your TWIRLY or TWIRLYS.
•OVERVIEW
Your TWIRLY is shipped from college or dance school with a default set of System Parameters. These Parameters cannot be changed in any way, but with careful and patient instruction new ones can be installed. However, once these
Parameters are added, it becomes impossible to reverse the process. When using more than one TWIRLY, particular attention should be paid to the Parameters each TWIRLY is installed with. Failure to follow instructions is likely
to create a clash of interests within your LINE of TWIRLYS, rendering them useless.
The useful lifespan of your TWIRLY is limited. Burnout from excessive Bouncing or the sudden desire to be a childrens television presenter will render your TWIRLY useless within 5 years. TWIRLYS that do not suffer from the above disorders find themselves hunting for a powerful and preferably rich producer or director and once found, they will devote their time to persuading the chosen victim into marriage or giving them a job doing absolutely nothing at all.
Remaining options are choreography or starting a Dance School that will enable them to influence a new generation of TWIRLYS and so ensure the survival of a fragile and endangered species.
TWIRLYS will automatically pair themselves with a buddy TWIRLY. The major bonus to this is that you will only have to install certain parameters into each TWIRLY. See Additional Software for further information. The down side is that
your TWIRLY will spend less time with you and you will begin to lose control of them.
•DEFAULT OPERATING SYSTEM
All TWIRLYS have a base operating system that cannot be changed. There is no point in trying to change these parameters as you will become easily frustrated and waste your valuable time.
•Basic Parameters
i Standing at “10 to 2” when in standby mode.
ii Counting (not including arithmetic). Most TWIRLYS have the ability to count from 1 to 8, but not as far as 10. The most likely cause of this is a complete misunderstanding of their 8-Bit Programming. Some early models were fitted with 16-Bit Programming but this had to be scrapped due to the chaos caused during rehearsals.
iii The ability to stand and stretch in the most inappropriate location possible. ie staircases, doorways, cash machines etc.
iv The ability to chat and make noise in silent locations. i.e anywhere in a theatre.
v Inversely linked to Parameter (iv), a sudden attack of laryngitis that renders them completely unable to sing during a rehearsal or performance. This parameter is reversed when a relative, or more importantly, their agent, has arrived to see their adopted TWIRLY in action.
vi After consuming vast amounts of food and alcohol at a company night out, the ability to stand up and argue that they only had a side salad and a mineral water, thus their share of the bill should only be a fiver, before fucking off and leaving the techies to foot the remainder of the bill.
vii A complete lack of common sense.
viii Bouncing and Bopping as soon as music is audible.
ix The need to use a hair dryer at least 4 times a day.
x The ability to not stand in the light allocated to them whilst on stage but quite happily get in the way of any lights when lurking in the wings.
xi Upon entering a theatre or venue TWIRLYS lose the ability to step over anything more than an inch high. How they cope in the outside world with kerbs, pavements, and escalators is completely unknown.
•Additional software
Any everyday function of a normal earth-dwelling humanoid can be programmed into your own TWIRLY. The more complicated the function you wish to install, the more time and patience you will have to devote to it.
It is NOT advised that you start with Quantum Mechanics or Astrophysics, as these parameters will be totally useless due to Default (vii).
•Suggested Installations
1 Self Dressing. Saves hours waiting for a dresser to arrive.
2 Coffee and Tea Making. You don’t want them to dehydrate through excess chatting.
3 Advanced Navigation. Incorporates home, work, and leisure locations only.
4 Taxi finding. A must if you have more than one TWIRLY. If installed along with advanced navigation in a single TWIRLY, it will spend its entire time trying to persuade other TWIRLYS in your LINE to travel home with it.
5 Shoe lace tying. You wouldn’t want your TWIRLY to fall over unnecessarily.
6 Door Shutting. Stops them pissing your mates off. See further installation on advanced door operation.
7 Food ordering. Essential if you plan on letting your TWIRLY out unattended otherwise they will just sit in a restaurant
complaining that their food hasn’t arrived not realising that they haven’t actually ordered. Don’t let your TWIRLY starve. You’ll never hear the end of it.
8 Fashion. Should never be installed as your TWIRLY will end up looking a complete twat. Due to an unfixable bug in the main operating system most TWIRLYS have a default of fashion ON. This can become contagious in groups of 4 or more TWIRLYS and will result in them wandering around fashion stores for days trying to buy the same outfit as the contagious TWIRLY. In some extreme cases TWIRLYS have been known to self-destruct in high street stores, causing untold damage when they have not found the desired garment.
9 Shagging. Should really be the first installation as the instruction is fun.
10 Advanced door operation. Includes opening and closing doors by pushing, pulling and handle use. Known problems occur on stage when your TWIRLY needs to understand the motivation behind using the door and exactly how they should make their entrance. When the door in question is built into a flying piece they completely lose the ability to shut the door and lock it behind them. This seems to be linked once again to Default (vii).
11 Intelligence. Not a viable option.
12 Dancing. No need to install. Although not a true part of the default system most TWIRLYS seem to learn this incredibly quickly, probably due to Default (viii). Take them to a club, turn the music on and sit back with your lager and watch them TWIRL. If your TWIRLY goes out with a group of fellow TWIRLYS make sure a TWIRLY installed with Taxi-Finding is part of the group.
13 Technology. Walkmans, CD Players, Cameras, Videos etc. Although TWIRLYS fall in love with this sort of gadget they seem to be totally incapable of operating them. The idea of plugging something into the mains never even enters their minds. They also lack the ability to understand that batteries do not last forever and have to be changed or charged. They will be completely astonished when having dropped an item and watched it smash into a million pieces it fails to work again. Most will burst into tears when you tell them it’s completely fucked and you cannot fix it.
14 In-built communications system, more widely known as a mobile phone. This function is particularly useful as it enables your TWIRLY to contact you in the inevitable event of navigation failure.
•Operating notes
Never expect too much from your TWIRLY. No matter what you install they will always suffer from Default (vii). Don’t get
frustrated.
There are two things a TWIRLY will never say even after extensive programming.
1 Nine.
2 Can I buy you a drink.