Genesis
In the beginning was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the
faces of the actors. And the Director said, “Let there be lights!” And the Techies worked and wired,
and there were lights: spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting, yea, lights of all shapes,
sizes and hues. And the Director saw the lights, that they were well-aimed and focused and gelled
according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors, and it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
The Director looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon
a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the Director was moved to pity. And the Director said, “Let there
be a set!” And the Techies scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons
and stairs and furniture of various types and sizes, each according to the need. And the actors did
walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the Director saw the set, and it was good, and the
evening and the morning were the Second Day.
And the Director saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for
they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck at each other with nothing. And in his
heart, the Director was moved to pity. And the Director said, “Let there be props! And the Techies worked
feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And the Director saw the props, and they were
good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.
And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth upon the set in blue
jeans, and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, “Let there be costumes!”
And the Techies did sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor,
according to the play, and in keeping with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue
jeans. And the Costumer saw the costume, and that there were good, and the evening and morning
were the Fourth Day.
And the Director watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity.
And the Director said, “Let there be sound!” And the Techies worked and taped and played, and there
were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all to the proper levels. And the Director heard the
sounds and they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.
And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient
Techies in the first place, He would have finished sooner.
Proverbs
Behold, my son, here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and the days of thy play, in the hours of
they performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others
and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine
own self be true.
I. Give not unto an actor his props before their time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the
East and set in the West, he shall lose or break them.
II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon the
script, for as surely as the winds shall blow, so shall the Director change his mind.
III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and easily confused.
IV. Speak not in the language of the Techies to the actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not
perceive thy meaning.
V. Tap not on the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall strike and party.
VIII. Remember always that the Director is never wrong. If it appears that he is, then you obviously
misunderstood him the first time.
IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as
you do, you will be in danger of missing your cues and being summarily executed, or worse.
X. Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the
dark.
XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles, they are as children, and must be led with gentle
kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how things should be done, then do
them the right way. In the days of thy work, he will give thee wisdom, give himself the
credit, and rejoice.
XV. Do not pissith off the caretaker for he holds the keys to the kingdom and to the throne.
XVI. And above all else, get carried not away with the glowtape, or thy stage will look like unto
an airport.
Words to the Techies
My friends, be deceived not by deluded actors masquerading as Techies. Remember the signs by
which thou shall know a true Techie: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or
falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak to each other
across long distances without making any sound; they can speak with knowledge of tools; they
respect one another’s jobs and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.
Remember always that thou art a Techie, born to walk the dark places of the stage and to know the
secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of those
that watch and to make the stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth
in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend
on you to shape the dreams that they would show.
Remember also that as they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou are a
team, for thou shall party together.
Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show. Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together. My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch. Amen.
The Technician's Prayer
Lord, let my arms never grow weary of carrying or pulling on ropes.
Let my lights always work, and my sounds be always prepared.
Let me not miss my cues, nor get caught on stage when the lights come up.
Keep my hemp always strong and fresh, and my borders always in trim.
And when this play of life at last finishes its long run, may the strike be short and swift,
and the party long and joyful.
Amen
The Unauthorized Commandments of Theater
1. The Technical Director is god, and theater majors shall know of no other gods but him.
2. Theatre majors shall not take the name of the TD their god in vain unless he makes them climb a ladder.
3. Stage Managers shall not kill their directors or actors, for without them the show cannot go on. Asst. Stage Managers, however, can be physically or mentally abused since that is their job.
4. There shall be no eating or smoking in costume. So, if you're going do it, don't be stupid enough to get caught.
5. Honor the green room, for it is your home away from home.
6. Personal hands-on experience is one's own teacher, The only way you'll learn how is to actually do it!
7. Never assume, for what you assume is usually wrong.
8. Done is good, but struck is better ... especially when the TD brings the pizza and beer!
9. Push brooms push dirt, they do not pull it. If that were the case, they would be called pull brooms.
10. Lefty loosy, righty tighty.
11. Laziness is the key to efficiency.
12. Finish every sentence by sighing "Sooo" and then breathing in.
13. It's not because you're a girl, it's because you're stupid.
The Technician's Psalm
The TD is my guide, I shall be informed.
He shows where my props must go and how the stage must be set.
He tells of the setting of the lights, and checks the sounds that I prepare.
Yea though I walk through the darkness of the stage I shall not fear, for I am a Technician , and I shall see in the dark.
My paths are prepared beforehand, the actors get not in my way. The lights stay down until I leave.
Surely I will answer all my cues at the proper time, and I will dwell backstage forever.
Exodus
And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa. And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activites with fair TECHIE maidens. And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.
The Gospel according to Luke
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Our amps are switched off |
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The Cans are not patched into the PA |
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The Masters are down. |
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The loudspeakers are disconnected |
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THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU! |
We hold this truth to be self evident: That all TECHIES are created superior.